If you think your messy home, and messy spouse, might be making you depressed, you are correct. The science confirms it. Your unbecoming home might be downgrading your health.
In a 2009 study, psychologists Rena Repetti and Darby Saxbe found that women who perceived their homes as messy were more likely to show cortisol issues indicating high stress, fatigue, and even increased mortality rates.
In essence, if you are embarrassed by your garage, close a door to a room out of shame, or are afraid to invite company over because everything in your home looks awful, watch out. You are not just dealing with clutter you are inviting in depression, tiredness, and early death.
Who knew that the blah feeling in your life is due to all the laundry on the couch?
But what can you do if the messy culprit isn’t you, or perhaps worse yet, isn’t your kids nor your pets, but in fact the maker of most the mess is the other adult in the house, your partner for life, your bestie, your joined-for-forever-more spouse?!
That’s right deary, your spouse’s untidy habits might be literally bringing you down.
So the next time your messy spouse asks you why you’re so gloom and doom or if they happen to outlive you, well maybe your messy spouse will start to put those socks away. That sounds horrible though, so why not create a cleaning fix today?
Yes! Let’s be proactive and take this messy situation into our own clean-loving hands and see how we can spruce up this situation once and for all!
Help! How To Handle A Messy Spouse When You Love Your Home To Be Spotless
If you are in desperate need for some marital mess tips, here are some suggestions that just might make you eager to cuddle up to your special person tonight, feel more relaxed when you glance over at the cleared floor space, and sleep more soundly.
Just as a messy home can feel like such a problem because it’s a space you share as a couple, there are some other things to start sharing as a couple that may just make your physical space suddenly feel more full of love.
Messy Spouse Help: Perception Sharing
The good news, bad news.
Well, your mess just might be another person’s treasure.
That’s right, at the core of the paper pile is a belief that “Oh that stack of papers is dreadful” or “I feel so good knowing all my papers are right where I put them in that pile.” Ouch. How do we flip a switch in someone’s head if you are a paper-pile hater and you’re married to a paper-pile lover?
Well, since you can’t so easily change others, you might as well zoom in on changing yourself. After all, you are the one wanting the pile of papers gone and you are also the one suffering from the stress of it all.
So, let’s see if we can ease up the stress-meter from going sky-high every time you see the paper pile. (Paper pile is just an example but you can insert any version of messy here. Whatever you are bothered by applies in this scenario.)
Action Step: You know your perception (paper piles suck), but do you know your spouse’s perception (maybe your spouse feels organized with paper piles)?
This is vital. Don’t assume you know why your spouse piles up papers; you must actually find out from the source.
Just as you’d like someone to get to know you better before assuming much, let your spouse unveil their reasoning for what looks to you to be madness, but to them might be a form of clarity.
Ask questions such as:
- Can you tell me about your system?
- Could you let me know how your mind thinks about this?
- When you look at your (what you see as a mess) what do you think and how do you feel?
- What is your reasoning for doing (the action that you find messy)?
Major tip: The way you ask the questions is crucial.
Your tone matters a ton.
Your timing is vital.
Don’t ask about your spouse’s messy habits as soon as they walk in the door from work or while they are watching a favorite television program. Your words will convey your intent and your timing will communicate your care.
You should honestly be wanting to get into your spouse’s world, see how they see, assuming the best and genuinely wanting to understand how they view things.
Saying “I’d really like to understand your process more so maybe I can get where you are coming from and we can both start to understand each other more” is likely to be more successful than, “I totally don’t understand how you can keep track of your stuff like this, don’t you want to do better?” Yikes, even typing that one felt tense.
If all else fells, picture a person you love dearly and consider totally innocent, a child can work really well, or sometimes a younger version of you, and think about how you’d want to be talked to (for me imagining my nephews works excellently).
[bctt tweet=”Picturing an adult as an innocent child might help you speak more lovingly. #relationships” username=”perfectplaying”]
Talk to the person in the most caring way you can, thinking the best of them, and wanting the best for you both and your marriage (if you must, force yourself to think “my marriage matters more than the state of my home” and repeat as needed).
You want to learn how your messy spouse thinks about this so-called mess – you see at as mess but how do they really see it?
Then, if you do a great job “getting” your messy spouse, they are more likely to want to see how you feel too. (Wowza, this might usher in some great marriage communication growth here!)
You can then have the chance to say how seeing their mess makes you feel more stressful, judged as a person when others come over, or that somehow you are failing as a couple or that you worry a poor example is being set for the children, or you are concerned rats are going to invade – if that’s your truth and your spouse wants to know it then share it, but always remember your tone.
When you do share your perspective, try to not be as accusatory as possible. Attempt to reveal your feelings rather than impart multiple suggestions. Focus on “I” statements.
Say things like “I feel like cleaning up after other people leaves me less time to do other things and that makes me feel like it’s unfair. Honestly, I feel like my time seems to matter less to people when I am the one cleaning up after them. Sure, maybe you don’t mind if the mess is there, but I do mind, it makes me feel crazy and I feel like my sense of well-being is not being valued.”
Once your spouse has shared their perspective you are likely to be more heard on yours. Try to be concrete in your explanation of your position.
For instance, money savings is a real thing when it comes to messes. You might try saying something like, “I hope I can put this the way I feel, I really want us to make the most of all the money we have and I try to keep costs down by making food at home and making each meal go as far as it can. When people misplace things from their messy habits, for instance like last week when we had to buy batteries because we couldn’t find where they were last placed, I feel like it is a waste of time, energy, and especially money because we do have extra batteries here somewhere in the house we just don’t know where. So I think if we try to keep things more organized we can have more room in our budget too and I think that is a win for the entire family.”
Don’t criticize, learn. Don’t shut down, open up. Don’t hate, love.
[bctt tweet=”With your spouse: Don’t criticize, learn. Don’t shut down, open up. Don’t hate, love. #married” username=”perfectplaying”]
Recognizing that you both have different, and valid perceptions of reality, might just help you get a neater home, but also might help you mend your relationship.
Messy Spouse Help: Remedy Sharing
After perspectives are recognized, then remedies can be brought to the discussion.
It is very important to still be feeling kindness, love and respect for your spouse at this point. If you need a break after the perspective sharing before going into remedy sharing, please do take a break. Don’t push things on your spouse, just as you don’t want to be pushed on.
When you are both ready to see how you can meet on common ground, proceed.
Action Step: Ask your “messy” spouse for suggestions on ways to encourage their messiness to subside.
The key here is you are asking, not telling.
Here are some ideas for questions:
- How can I maybe encourage you in your efforts to be tidier?
- Would it be okay if I left a note for you in the kitchen reminding you to put the milk away? Could I maybe tape a note on the milk container? Or does that seem like I’m trying to be your mother?
- Do you have some ideas on how you might want to change your systems so that you like them and I don’t feel bothered by them?
- I could maybe send you a text when you are on your way home from work every once in awhile reminding you to clean out your car. What do you think about this? Maybe Friday would be a good day, or even Monday to give you a fresh start to your week?
- Do you think it would be more helpful for me to ask you to please remember your laundry when you are in the shower every morning or do you think putting a note on the mirror would be easier?
- Do you think it might be a good idea if we start giving reminders to each other on the refrigerator? Like you could leave me a note on the refrigerator letting me know what you’d like for dinner this week and I could mention that it’d be great if you went through your mail this week?
Try to give options, try to make choice obvious.
Your spouse doesn’t want to be bossed around. Let your spouse know you are willing to do what it takes to get the house less messy and you are more than willing to come up with as many solutions as you can think of.
Sometimes it’s not as easy as “Sure, I’ll clean up after myself more” that doesn’t have clear goals and exact measurable results. Maybe have a discussion about SMART goals and how they can be applied to the mess in the house.
Try to work together on finding a solution to the mess in your house that you share. A shared action plan will bring you together in more ways than picking up laundry.
Request don’t demand. Give suggestions don’t give ultimatums.
If your spouse remembers this conversation 10 years from now will they recall it as a moving forward in your communication, or as a moving backward in your love?
The person matters more than the possessions so even though the left out food, covered floor, and tossed hats can be maddening to you, don’t let your feelings of frustration overpower the right place of love in your heart.
It is easy for a tidy person to feel the tension in an untidy place, but try to defuse the tension, not add on to it.
Messy Spouse Help: Compliment Sharing
Your messy spouse isn’t going to become a picture of cleanliness perfection overnight. Even if you now understand each other and are trying to do things to help each other out more, you still will likely be bothered from time to time.
This can be pretty hard for the tidy person to deal with: Patience can be your best cleaning tool and kindness can be the perfect cleaning solution.
[bctt tweet=”Patience can be your best cleaning tool and kindness the perfect cleaning solution. #marriage” username=”perfectplaying”]
Sometimes you have to wait.
You need to chill out a little about your home hopes and allow your spouse to try to work with the new clean agenda. Your messy spouse might be fully intent on being Mr. Clean, but sometimes they will forget, or never really understand in the first place, or get super busy, or feel sick, or just need a break.
Then, as soon as a clean act happens, woohoo it’s your time to shine.
Action Step: For every clean action, give a compliment. Try your hardest to refrain from cleaning complaints.
If your spouse hangs up their laundry this week, instead of tossing it on the chair like normal, instead of hoping they’ll also organize their whole closet, compliment your spouse on the actions done.
Yep, this can be so difficult for the lover of organization.
If you are naturally of the neat type, you totally know the benefits of putting in that extra effort now for the peaceful pay off later. In your mind, of course, you’ll spend 15 minutes putting all your clothes where they go because then you’ll have a happy feeling when you walk into your closet all week long.
You get joy from your cleared out closest and nicely stacked plates. But you know what? As hard as it is to fathom, you’re not-so-clean-spouse doesn’t even notice, much less care about the clear glasses being mixed in with the blue ones when really they belong with the other clear ones.
Sure you see the mess in milliseconds, for your messy spouse, they might not see it ever.
So, because love matters more than laundry, you are patient, and when some tidy comes out of your spouse, you compliment, smile, and say thanks for doing that.
Don’t beg for more. Don’t try to get your spouse to see how good it would feel if they kept going and cleaned up for just ten minutes more.
Nope, you recognize the action that happened, you acknowledge the good, and you give gratitude for what is and not what you know could be.
Here are some examples of compliments for your budding clean freak:
- I noticed you put your laundry away, it looks nice.
- Thanks for cleaning up the kitchen after you made dinner.
- Wow, that was so awesome to see your shoes perfectly placed. Thanks for taking the time to do that.
- I really appreciate you putting your lunch bag away.
- Thanks so much for making the bed today!
- Wow, your car looks brand new! (When you get in your spouse’s car after they cleaned it.)
- I love that you never leave the seat up, thanks so much for doing that.
- *I’ve heard that sometimes words aren’t as helpful as just expressing gratitude with a kind touch, quality time, or an upbeat mood.*
Keep in mind that reinforcement can be more powerful than force. Lead with your heart and not the taskmaster to-do list in your head.
Spread joy instead of stress and uplift more than degrade.
[bctt tweet=”Keep in mind that reinforcement can be more powerful than force. #marriage #tips” username=”perfectplaying”]
Messy Spouse Help: Memory Sharing
This is a really powerful tool in your arsenal. Will the toilet get scrubbed faster with this trick? Umm, I don’t know, but your soul will feel a bit fresher.
Have you ever screwed up and your spouse has forgiven you?
Have you ever unintentionally done something that left your spouse super wounded or stressed? Be honest and really reflective; nobody is a perfect person or a perfect spouse.
Have you ever intentionally hurt your spouse by being disrespectful in word or action?
Has your spouse ever shown you more grace than you deserve? If so, back off the cleaning throne of judgment.
You might have the gift of clean, but your spouse might have the gift of humor. Or you might know how to organize a room like it’s as easy as taking a shower, but maybe your husband knows how to get a discount with the cable provider like he’s a born negotiator.
We all have strengths and weaknesses, talents and struggles, skills and setbacks, abilities and disadvantages.
Don’t let your messy house totally turn your entire marriage into a mess.
Remember the good your spouse has done and forget the tasks undone. Recall the forgiveness your messy spouse so easily gave that time you overspent the budget and now offer them forgiveness for overfilling the kitchen table with junk.
[bctt tweet=”Don’t let your messy house totally turn your entire marriage into a mess. #marriedlife” username=”perfectplaying”]
This might sting – ready?
Your mess might be bigger than your spouse’s.
There are all types of messiness, and some of it is invisible to the eye.
Yep, your spending too much money each month might be costing your family more than your spouse’s stacks of papers on the desk.
Your irritability that makes everyone in the house tread carefully for worry of facing the wrath of an unpleasant wife or an unhappy mother might be stripping the souls in the house of their joy.
Sure, it totally counts if the trash is taken out every week. I get it. Who wants garbage overflowing?
But what about the garbage you bring in with your words, attitude, disagreeable nature, and over-the-top commands?
If you ever do anything that creates havoc in the home, own up to it, try to cut it out, and give everyone else more slack with the struggles they are facing.
At the end of the day, we all have our issues, some are just more visible. A trash can overflowing with trash is hard to miss, but so is a frustrated wife with an ongoing mental checklist of all the tasks her husband better do this week or else.
Remember the grace your spouse has given you and give some grace in return.
We all fail, we all face hurdles, we all could do better.
Try to do a better you and let others work on doing a better them.
See if you can clean out something of your own this week (and that could possibly be an emotional clean up).
Action Step: Use your mind for remembering all that your spouse does and not all that your spouse doesn’t.
Questions to help you become better with this whole messy spouse thing:
- Have I been more ungrateful than grateful to my spouse?
- What can I do to show more love in my home?
- Is my need for clean making it hard for others to be around me?
- When was the last time my spouse did something for me that was totally grace?
- Do I forget all the blessings I have and only think about what I don’t have?
- Is my spouse better at something than me and could I show more appreciation for that trait/skill/talent?
- What can I learn from my spouse?
- Does my spouse have value even if they never clean a thing their entire life?
- Is there a mess in my life I need to work on?
Dear fellow clean-lover, maybe you can dust off your ability to relax and joke around a bit?
Maybe you can clear out your schedule for some down time?
Maybe you can rearrange your to-do list to include more people time and less time dealing with physical things?
Perhaps you could find it helpful to start a gratitude journal and let the dishes stay in the dishwasher a little longer than usual or let the clothes sit in the dryer longer because a happy heart is probably more important than a dishwasher waiting for another load to carry or an empty clothes hamper ready for its next fill.
Dishes stack, laundry piles, but your life is more than that.
Make sure your life is being filled up with love more often than your house is being cleaned up from messes.
[bctt tweet=”Make sure your life is being filled up with love more often than your house is being cleaned up.” username=”perfectplaying”]
A clean home may not be a happy home, but a happy marriage sure can clean up any home.
Excited about these messy spouse tips? *Pin* this post for times when you’re dying for marital advice! If you want more inspirational relationship content, come on over to Playing Perfect’s Pinterest Page!
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