I am not awesome. That is how I feel sometimes. Actually, I would like to say that when the doomsday-for-me-feeling hits it seems more than a feeling, it becomes a messy declaration oozing inside a stuck sense of being. The good news is, I recently discovered I can full on feel the failure feels and yet not fall complete victim to them. This is a hallelujah revolution. Attention: There is freedom in failure if you’re willing to discover it.
Yep, I have recently realized that I can fail, and failure is not awesome, but I am okay. Yes, breaking news: All hard-wired perfectionists full to the brim with inner urges to conquer all and never ever fail, it’s possible to fail and not have your entire being plummet.
I can fail, and so can you, and even though failure is not awesome, we can totally be okay in a deep-to-our-bones type of okayness.
This new state of okayness with failure is fantastically shocking. When you’ve lived life for decades trying to ward off failure at every bend, to the point that tasks get left undone, the procrastination list becomes a full-on book, and your yes’s way out number your no’s, this new existence of failure freedom is totally awesome.
Wanna fail with me and yet feel totally freed up while doing so?
Let’s jump right in together, fellow freely-failing friend!
The Discovery of Freedom in Failure and Loving It
Before we get to the freedom, let’s emphasize the bondage.
Case in point, here’s a brief snapshot of a doomsday-for-me operating in full force. The exact failures of any given day don’t matter except that every girl likes to have details, so here they are in their failure glory.
A personal day of failures up for judgment:
- Got nothing marked off on my to-do list
- Didn’t clean the bathrooms (again)
- Said the wrong thing to a loved one
- Haven’t read one page of that book I mean to finish ASAP
- Was pushy instead of patient
- A card to my mother-in-law is now going to be late because I lost it
- Was late giving my dog his medication
- Laid down more than I stood up (took a looong nap)
- Ate and served packaged food instead of making something myself
- Didn’t workout
- Ignored someone I love
- Was supposed to schedule two appointments and made none
- Broke my fast (went for 75% of the day without eating and then did)
- The house looks messier today than yesterday
- Oh and the mail still needs to be checked, and I really should shower.
That’s just one day. If I listed off an entire week of feeling the failure feels we might be here all day.
Am I proud? No. Do I want a repeat of the day? No. Am I frustrated with myself? Surprisingly, no.
Did you catch that… I saw myself failing in what I wanted to accomplish. These wished for accomplishments were not monumental Nobel Peace Prize worthy to-dos. No, they were perfectly normal, most people could probably do them types of to-dos.
But I didn’t get them done, even though I wanted to and was physically capable of doing so. Hence, the marking of failure across my undone to-do list.
But my gut isn’t turning, my head isn’t spinning, and I won’t cry on my pillow about it at night. Because I am okay with the failures. I’ve discovered freedom in failure. This is kinda a miracle for us perfectionist types.
I feel freedom from hating myself for not doing it all, for not performing my best, for not… and this one is the hardest… for not loving well (although this one is so easy to start hating on myself for because let’s be real, if my failures don’t affect anyone they are a lot easier to handle, but the not nice words, the uncalled for actions, and the neglected relationships, dang those can stick to the core).
You see, here’s the miracle: I feel free from hating myself for not doing stuff I probably could have done, but I didn’t. Instead, actually I am totally emotionally stable, not upset at myself, and for a lifetime of hating-on-myself-thinking, basically, a self-imposed hating-on-self-prison that I’ve been locking myself up in for years, this is a complete victory.
Freedom In Failure: Letting Go Of The Hate
This is freedom of the utmost value. A freedom from being stuck in the “I should of’s, I wish I would’ve’s and the dang I’m hating on myself for those could of’s.”
I didn’t have my best performance in the grand show of life, but I am not upset about it. On with the show. This feeling of freedom in failure is more than mildly surprising, and I’m finding it completely lovable. I hope this new freedom in failure sticks around.
I can want different actions from myself while not being cruelly harsh with myself.
This is kind of a crazy thing.
I, the lover of things done well, the appreciator of a task done supremely, the admirer of a day dedicated to productivity, I can not be mad at myself, I can resist wallowing in wishes of do-overs, I can stay away from thinking my husband should divorce me and everyone I love should ignore me.
Instead, I can feel okay. And you can feel okay too. And this okayness is a wow factor.
This failure freedom is not the type of “okay” like when you agree with something simply to agree with a decision or choice, but this failure freedom is more like a “hmm… well that’s interesting… I don’t necessarily like this but I also don’t hate this, and I am now wondering what can I learn from this” type of okay.
It’s like an “oh” without the “dang” attached at the end. As in, “Oh, I forgot to turn off the light” instead of, “Oh dang, I forgot to turn off the light, and I’m an idiot, I don’t deserve to have electricity.” Acknowledgment without harsh judgment, empty of the self-hate, that’s the freedom in failure zone I’m discovering.
There isn’t even pushing to learn a lesson from this failure either. Nope, this state of okayness is push and pull free. No pressure, no obligation, just kinda cruising in an immersion of grace.
Freedom In Failure: Like A Child
I honestly feel like I hit a judgment-free zone and I’m the one smack dab in the middle of the zone. Like when a kid misses his kick at soccer: He missed it, could he have done better? Yes. Am I bothered he missed it? Not really, it’s okay. Let’s go home; it is time for dinner.
That type of acknowledgment that is soooooo easy to give to a child. That “Yes, that probably is not what you set out to do, but it is okay. Did you try? Did you go in with good intentions? Are you sorry some people got their feelings hurt? Did you apologize? Good, now learn the lesson and move on.”
I am offering that to myself today. The kindhearted gentleness I’d give to a child is being miraculously directed at me, by me. This must be grace.
That usual top-down, adult to little human, a person being nice to another person because we all fail and we all get it, I’m allowing myself to soak up that grace today.
I think that maxim that we all know could be reversed: Maybe sometimes we need to remember to treat ourselves as we treat others.
Yes, you read that right. Maybe we need to treat ourselves with the same sweetness, the same quick to forgiveness, the same gentleness that we so freely offer to others.
[bctt tweet=”Sometimes we need to remember to treat ourselves as we treat others. #grace” username=”perfectplaying”]
Ouch. Yeah. I often am way more forgiving of others than I am of myself.
Others can and should, and I advise them to, just move on from mistakes, mishaps, and failures. It has been easy for me to tell others to take their frail human self that has imperfection built in and to clothe themselves with humility, compassion, and grace.
Meanwhile, when I talk to myself I usually get stuck and swallowed up in my swamp of “I-suck-nobody-likes-me-I-should-eat-ice-cream-because-nothing-else-will-get-better-anyway” mentality and reality (and trust me no amount of ice cream makes it all better).
Why is it so easy to tell a child to move on from failures but so hard for us to do so as adults?
As an adult, the natural response to a screw-up doesn’t usually look so neat and tidy.
Often when an adult messes up it means they should have done better, they should wallow in guilt for a while, and they should probably never, ever make the same mistake twice. Wow, that kind of sucks. Makes you wanna be a kid and not an adult probably.
I wouldn’t wish that harsh, cruel, unforgiving taskmaster type of mentality on the soccer kid or the grown-up version of the soccer kid. It’s just kind of mean and frankly too much for a human being to handle.
Not to mention, how fun is life going to be going around with that type of pressure? The pressure to be failure free is unrealistic. Kids fail. Adults fail. All versions of human beings whether young or old, little or big, happy or sad, rich or poor, tidy or untidy, put-together or falling-apart, all, yes all, fail. Nobody is failure free.
So that’s why we all need freedom in failure. We will all fail, and that is okay, not in an “Oh that’s wonderful you screwed up” sort of okay way, but in an “Oh, me too, I’ve done that, here’s what I do now instead” sort of okay way.
Only the freedom of being okay with failure is a livable reality. Only in allowing ourselves and others to fail freely do we experience a lovable reality.
I know that pressure… the self-imposed pressure of failing not being an option… it’s not fun, it’s awful, and that’s why I’m really enjoying this new state of okayness as usually applicable to kids but at this moment, applicable to myself. And I feel like I have experienced a little miracle here. I’ll take it, two scoops of grace and more grace, please.
The truth is, failure is an option, but so is feeling freedom in failure instead of hatred in failure.
Failure is a real, probably going to happen daily phenomenon. So why not just embrace a freedom in that failure instead of a harsh push against it as though we can suddenly stop failing at anything, at anytime, or at any point in our frail, imperfect lives on this earth?
Hmm, a mistake-filled day turned miracle? Maybe. Especially if you believe miracles can happen deep inside your soul, right in the center of your heart, smack dab in the way you suddenly realize you’ve been seeing things kinda off this whole time.
Freedom In Failure: Gratitude, Miracles & Grace
In One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are, by Ann Voskamp, (the book every person on the planet should read) the miracle follows the gratitude (or you could say it’s all a cycle) and I am grateful for seeing this failure stuff in a new light. I’m grateful for my… gulp… failures. Ah, what a miracle indeed.
I still fail, yet from my failure comes humility, connection with all of humanity, and an awareness of grace I’ve yet not known. Gratitude felt; miracle embraced.
I’m grateful for my… gulp… failures. Why? Well, that mess up on my appointment-making is ushering me into a new life of organization. Hmm… me… more organized even when everyone thinks I have that down already… yep, I have now come to see how I can be more organized… kinda a miracle… humility, connection to humanity, grace. Thanks.
That not nice word is allowing me to realize others might accidentally say not nice things too. Humility to accept that sometimes things come out wrong, connection to others who have regretted words they’ve said, grace for me, grace for them. Thanks.
That task left undone, well maybe I shouldn’t expect so much out of a mere 24 hours, maybe I shouldn’t expect so much out of others in a mere 24 hours, maybe I can extend some grace about that certain task for the next 24 hours. Thanks.
Do I think I do my best daily? No.
No day is full of my second-by-second best. No week has ever come close to my best words, actions, thoughts, and abilities. My best is ever growing; my best is ever fleeting, my best could suddenly become my worst by tomorrow or deemed deplorable by others next week.
No, as much as I’d like to say I do my best, give my best, am my best, there’s no way I always am. And I am thankful this is not what my best looks like.
In fact, I am thankful that the worst of me reveals how much I need grace.
The good news isn’t that you tried your best and it’s okay – no – the good news is you are okay regardless of your best, tossing out your trying at all, forgetting you and remembering who made you, that you are loved, you are valuable, and that you count even if your actions all seem to count against you.
God has said, you’re okay, it’s okay, just rest kid everything is okay. Wow. Can us adults just chill out and take the advice we usually give out to kids?
If you never had a parent reassure you after missed kicks in soccer games, maybe this is good news for you now.
Maybe you do have a grace-filled memory you can pull up from the past to dress yourself in now for this present adult-sized struggle.
You messed up? Your worth is still intact, fully loaded still. Keep on keeping on.
Freedom In Failure: Living It Out
Dang, I want to hang on to this judgment-free zone I’ve seemed to be ushered into.
I can somehow simultaneously be okay with my lackluster performance in life today and yet look forward to kicking butt tomorrow? Wow. This is quite the discovery. Grace, gratitude, miracle, all grace.
I can feel like I could have done better today, while not having tensed shoulders, a near locked up jaw, and ready to fall over begging for mercy in front of the next person I see?!
Does this mean I can greet my husband with a genuine, no-strings-attached smile and not a downcast face that says, “Well, my day sucked, how about yours?”!?
Shoot, is it possible to move on, not mull over forever, and actually be ready to fully embrace tomorrow on fresh terms because doing my best tomorrow will feel good, but either way, I’m still okay!?!
This feels like my soul has been laundered like I’ve been to some sort of life-changing sermon, or I just got drenched in water after a long, hot, tiring run and for the first time in my life I feel like a battle has been won?
Won?!
Well, that seems a bit bold, so I won’t be so daring, I’ll just say that win or lose, fought hard or sat though, made it or stopped along the way, I feel okay, today is okay, and okay is the only place I want to be.
I hope you are feeling okay today too.
I hope you can find rest in your soul for things you are tired of carrying. I hope you can feel like your mistakes do not define you and your to-dos getting checked off your list does not determine how many happy faces you should get or how many hugs you are allowed to receive.
Life can be hard. Life can be disappointing. We can triumph, we can fail, we can feel great, we can feel awful. No matter your feelings, you are okay.
I hope today, maybe even just today, that no matter what happens, no matter what you get done or gets done to you, no matter what you wanted to happen and what didn’t happen, I hope you can feel calm, loved, and like everything is, and will be, okay.
Grace, gratitude, miracle, all snuggled in grace. Feel the freedom in failure. It’s okay.
Go ahead, wrap yourself all snug and tight in the sheltering comfort of grace, gratitude, and miraculous freedom in failure required for today.
{Hugs.}
You’re welcome to stick around and read through some encouraging quotes on failure.
Gosh, these quotes are so good they make failure look even better.
20 Encouraging Quotes On Discovering Freedom In Failure
#1 “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.”
Confucius
#2 “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.”
Henry Ford
#3 “I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.”
Michael Jordan
#4 “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.”
J.K. Rowling
#5 “To be wrong is nothing unless you continue to remember it.”
Confucius
#6 “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”
Albert Einstein
#7 “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got.”
Mark Twain
#8 “Success builds character, failure reveals it.”
Dave Checkett
#9 “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”
Jack Canfield
[bctt tweet=”“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” Jack Canfield #courage” username=”perfectplaying”]
#10 “When we give ourselves permission to fail, we, at the same time, give ourselves permission to excel.”
Eloise Ristad
#11 “A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.”
Douglas Adams
#12 “Failure isn’t fatal, but failure to change might be.”
John Wooden
#13 “I’ve come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy.”
Anthony Robbins
#14 “Failure after long perseverance is much grander than never to have a striving good enough to be called a failure.”
George Eliot
#15 “A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing.”
George Bernard Shaw
#16 “Winners are not afraid of losing. But losers are. Failure is part of the process of success. People who avoid failure also avoid success.”
Robert T. Kiyosaki
#17 “Failure is nature’s plan to prepare you for great responsibilities.”
Napoleon Hill
#18 “Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.”
Winston Churchill
#19 “The biggest risk is not taking any risk. In a world that’s changing really quickly, the only strategy that is guaranteed to fail is not taking risks.”
Mark Zuckerberg
#20 “Remember that failure is an event, not a person.”
Zig Ziglar
Go forth and fail freely!
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