What do you think happens inside perfectionism? If you had to guess what a self-identifying perfectionist’s thoughts and feelings were, what would you say?
Do you think it would be easy to describe the inner workings of a perfectionism mindset and perfectionistic emotions?
“Easy” would not be my first word choice pertaining to perfectionism.
What words would you use to describe the happenings inside perfectionism?
Inside Perfectionism: What’s Working and What’s Not
As much as I have experienced my version of perfectionism and as much as I have researched perfectionism and coached on perfectionism, I can for sure say that describing it is not easy.
Perfectionism can vary not only from person to person but also from situation to situation (or from domain to domain if you want to be more precise) within one person.
For example, a person may not care how their house looks but be very perfectionistic about their car.
Another person may not care how their house or car looks but be very invested in how punctual they are and have tons of perfectionism show up with anything involving their schedule or daily routine.
Thus, given the vastness and variance that is perfectionism, it is not easy to address in general terms.
Talking to one person about their version of perfectionism is one thing, but talking about perfectionism overall is complicated. But, I’ve seen it be helpful for people to realize how perfectionism can show up because it can normalize it and bring people to compassion for themselves and others, so I like that utility of it.
So, if this is helpful, here are some ways to think about the inner workings of perfectionism.
Related: Perfectionism and the Holidays
Inside Perfectionism: when it’s working for you
First, because this is not mentioned enough, there is something called adaptive, or healthy perfectionism. This is very much a thing that’s been researched and documented.
What this means is, in essence, all perfectionism isn’t all bad.
Perfectionism can have a lot of inner values that many would consider noble.
Things like excellence, achievement, success, order, integrity, exactness, commitment, motivation, engagement, conscientiousness and more can be drivers and outcomes of perfectionism!
The perfectionist may think about ways to make things better, how to achieve a goal, or come up with innovative solutions to problems and never give up along the way.
While working hard toward something, perfectionism can sometimes show up with feelings of drive, pride, urgency, hope, and even joy or happiness when things are perceived as going well.
So, sometimes inner perfectionism can feel good while bringing about desired outcomes.
This is why many perfectionists, when interviewed, will say things like the reasons they are successful are “due to their perfectionism,” and when asked if they would like to relinquish their perfectionism, they don’t want to.
When perfectionism seems helpful, the person using it often wants to keep it going.
Inside Perfectionism: when it’s working against you
Then there’s the stuff that comes up when things aren’t perceived as going well.
Inner perfectionism can manifest as inner angst, upset, dread, shame, guilt, regret, resentment, anger, avoidance, procrastination, embarrassment, and other not-so-fun-to-experience states.
Instead of having thoughts about problem-solving, curiosity, or innovation, perfectionism can turn into thoughts of self-doubt, self-loathing, criticism, and severe judgment of self or others or circumstances.
This “dark side” of perfectionism is termed maladaptive or unhealthy perfectionism.
This is when perfectionism seems unhelpful.
It can be challenging for the person in perfectionism.
The perfectionist can appear harsh or critical or even lazy or consumed if perfectionism shows up as procrastination or overworking.
So, sometimes inner perfectionism can feel pretty hard.
This is why many perfectionists, when interviewed, will bring up their questions about what might be wrong with them or what might be wrong with others and how to fix both.
When perfectionism seems anything but helpful, the person using it often wants to wish it away.
Inside Perfectionism: How to manage it
One way to begin to be in charge of perfectionism is to increase awareness of it.
For some, the word “awareness” sounds like something used in a yoga class with little usage outside of that context, and if that is you, substitute the word for something more beneficial for you, like “understanding” or “recognition.”
Basically, the more a person can see (be aware of) their version of perfectionism and how it’s impacting their life, the more control or power they have over it.
Now that may sound nice, but maybe not easy to do.
For many, coaching has been the most fantastic tool in raising awareness of perfectionism and many things. There are often a lot of “aha moments” during coaching.
Another way to manage perfectionism is to celebrate successes more.
Perfectionism is often after big wins, but by the time the big win happens, perfectionism has new, bigger goals, and the old, once big and scary plans aren’t that exciting once achieved.
Learning to celebrate more can do a lot for a perfectionistic mindset.
Often inner perfectionism can give some great ideas about what would be awesome to accomplish.
Then it seems to forget about reward and gratification, so there’s a lot of room for growth and brain rewiring there.
Also, a little kindness can go a long way with transforming perfectionism.
Self-care gets a lot of attention but also can have a lot of confusion around it. With perfectionism, it can sometimes be super helpful to focus more on self-kindness and other-kindness (basically, I seem to be making up some words here, LOL).
No, but seriously, instead of being a bully to yourself about how something didn’t go the way you envisioned, maybe you could be a best friend instead.
Talk to yourself like you would want a super great friend to talk to you. And then, (or sometimes this happens in reverse order), you will find yourself being more kind to others as well.
Now I’m not saying people who consider themselves perfectionists aren’t kind; anyone could use more kindness, but often, not always, perfectionism could use a hefty dose of it.
If you are familiar with perfectionism happening inside of you, ask yourself:
How kind was I today?
How kind was I to myself?
How kind was I to others?
Was I as kind as a golden retriever?
May we all try to be as kind as a golden retriever and also celebrate like they do after they find their favorite toy. 🙂
If there is one thing I hope you take away from this, it would be that we needn’t treat perfectionism with a perfectionistic lens. Inside perfectionism isn’t all good; it isn’t all bad; it isn’t all-encompassing either.
Perfectionism can basically be a series of thoughts and feelings that combine to drive specific behaviors and results.
Some of those thoughts and feelings are welcomed, and some people would love to banish them forever, immediately. Some perfectionism produces amazing results. Some perfectionism does things that maybe create questionable results.
Ultimately, if you are a self-identifying perfectionist or you have perfectionism inside you, decide if you like what perfectionism is producing for you or not, and then choose what you want to keep and what you want to discard, and work towards that.
And if you’d like help with that, I might be the (perfect? LOL) coach for you!
Are you excited about the idea of getting coached on perfectionism? Want to get coaching on perfectionism and learn how to use it to your advantage? Start with this practical guide that I created for you to get some quick wins with perfectionism, and let me know when you want to start coaching!