Ever wonder what happens with perfectionism coaching? Before I got coached myself, I was super curious about coaching, and I wondered what happened in a coaching session and what topics people got coaching on.
If you’ve ever been curious about some perfectionism coaching examples, this is the post for you!
While getting coaching is the best way to truly experience coaching, reading about a few examples will be a bit of a start and give you a small idea of what topics people bring to coaching.
Perfectionism Coaching Examples
To make it clear, I want to say that for sure, reading about coaching is not the same as getting coached. It is like comparing reading a recipe and then eating the actual food. The two experiences are totally different. So please keep this in mind.
And just like eating food is more nourishing than reading about it, getting coached is more helpful than reading about it. I wanted to say that too. 🙂
Next, I want to say that I find perfectionism coaching unique for every person and even in every session and that generalities are sometimes not applicable. Still, I wanted to offer some examples for people who want to get an idea of what happens with coaching and are not sure what even to imagine it to be.
So while some of these perfectionism coaching examples may seem relatable, they may not be how your coaching experience would go at all, so also keep that in mind.
Lastly, these are not word-for-word examples of perfectionism coaching because I like to protect the privacy that happens in coaching, but these are comparative examples of what can happen during coaching and draw upon real examples.
Okay, let’s check out some examples of what people might bring to a perfectionism coaching session and get a peek at what might happen during a session.
#1 Perfectionism Coaching: Am I a Perfectionist?
Many conversations I have around perfectionism are around the label “perfectionist”.
I don’t think any person is a full-on perfectionist because perfectionism is domain-specific. A person can be perfectionistic in one area or many areas of life but not in all areas.
For instance, someone might be perfectionistic about their car and not about their home.
Perfectionism and its domains vary a lot.
One guy I worked with was perfectionistic about writing rap music, and a woman was perfectionistic with folding her clothes; the perfectionism domain could be anything.
That said, if someone wants to self-identify as a perfectionist, that’s up to them, and it often comes up in coaching.
A question I find helpful is, “In what area am I displaying perfectionism?”
Still, when we first begin talking about perfectionism, many people start talking about being or not being a perfectionist.
Here’s an example of that showing up in perfectionism coaching:
I never thought I was a perfectionist because I have often thought “I am so far from perfect.” But now that I learn about perfectionism I am realizing how much this is causing me to miss out on and I am now considering myself a perfectionist.
One of the things I have realized is how much I love my garden but I only love it to be perfect. So if I don’t have a full day to work in my garden and fully make it look perfect I just don’t work on it at all and that makes me sad.
How can I fall in love with my garden and use it and figure out this perfectionist thing?
The first point of coaching with this client might be about defining “perfectionist” with her and then exploring the idea of how perfectionism shows up with her gardening.
The coaching would probably bring up her thoughts on gardening and what made it enjoyable for her to garden and what made it not so fun (basically her perfectionistic thinking), and then how to get to her goal of gardening more.
The great news is she doesn’t have to wait long at all to enjoy her garden; she can enjoy it right after her coaching session!
#2 Perfectionism Coaching: Mistakes
The pain of mistakes is a common topic in perfectionism coaching, and the feeling associated with it is often regret, remorse, or grief.
Let’s take a look at an example:
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with my perceived imperfections, that I find myself isolating myself from others and then I feel bad about that. I tend to think that if I don’t go for my dream or go to the party or apply for the job that then I won’t make mistakes and I won’t say or be the wrong thing. What do I do with this?
Coaching about mistakes quickly turns into coaching about the feelings involved and then onto the thoughts.
For instance, with the above example, I would perhaps ask the client about what it means to make mistakes and if it’s okay for other people to make mistakes and how that line of reasoning applies to her and her situation.
Bringing in self-compassion and new thoughts is often helpful.
Some possible new thoughts for this client would be:
- I’m a human who makes mistakes, and that is okay.
- Not making mistakes is never my goal.
- I get to choose how I think and feel about my mistakes.
- I sometimes get distracted and make more mistakes when I believe unhelpful thoughts.
- I can decide how I want to feel and what I think.
- I learn from mistakes.
- I have built success on top of mistakes before.
Coaching on mistakes is often super helpful because it can apply to many areas, so once someone gets traction with making mistakes in one area of their life, a lot of freedom in their entire life opens ups.
#3 Perfectionism Coaching: Fear of Failure
Fear of failure comes up a ton with perfectionism coaching.
Here’s an example:
When you realize that fear of failure and perfectionism are holding you back, what are some thoughts that help you break out of that cycle and take action?
Coaching this client may start with awareness and then somewhat becomes a thought hunt (looking for thoughts that are not helpful).
Often when people get coaching with perfectionism, they want to have a list of new thoughts quickly and then apply them perfectly.
This isn’t super effective, though, because new thoughts are most helpful when they come from your brain and you believe them fully, and this often takes effort to find these “magical” thoughts that work for each unique person.
It can be fun to consider possibilities for new thoughts, though, so let’s look at some that might come up with the topic of fearing failure.
Here are some example thoughts some people might use to help with fear of failure:
- Starting is my goal.
- Failure doesn’t create drama for me anymore.
- I don’t even realize all I can do yet.
- I’m aiming for doing, and some of that doing might include failing.
- Doing it perfectly isn’t part of my plan.
- I can handle this.
- I take this project one thought at a time.
- My success is on the other side of discomfort.
- It’s possible I can learn to treat myself as kindly as I treat others when they start something new.
- I don’t need to fix anything here; I’m just learning.
- Curiosity is going to get me there.
- My dreams are happening one failure at a time.
- Failure is something I willingly do daily.
#4 Perfectionism Coaching: Overwhelmed
Overwhelmed is something that comes a lot in coaching. People can get overwhelmed about events, other people, or something to do with themselves; it shows up often in countless ways.
Here’s an example of someone wanting perfectionism coaching on their overwhelm:
I need coaching on being an overwhelmed perfectionist. When I can’t do something the way I think it should get done, I get stuck, don’t do it, and I feel frustrated a lot.
How do I learn to live with good enough?
With coaching, it’s beneficial to have a particular example, so first, I might coach this client on getting to a more specific situation to talk about, such as being overwhelmed with their weight loss or their son’s birthday party or whatever it might be.
Then we could talk about a variety of things, from how the feeling of overwhelm shows up for them to how they define “perfectionist” to what they consider to be “good enough” and if they want to continue keeping those ideas.
Generally, though, the key here is pulling out the thought “I can’t do something the way I think it should get done” and questioning what that is about. How “should” the thing be done, and why and who says so?
Thinking that something can’t be done the way it is supposed to get done prevents her from finishing the task and maybe even starting it and then regretting the entire cycle.
We would perhaps go into what thoughts are needed to get her into action.
We would maybe talk about what thoughts are required to decide something is done well and what thoughts are needed to bring up feelings of calm, accomplishment, and completion?
Related: An Inside Look at Perfectionism
#5 Perfectionism Coaching: Giving Gifts
Something many people can relate to is perfectionism coming up with giving gifts.
Especially if someone considers themselves a great gift-giver and if they have many people they are buying gifts for, this can be relatable:
Buying gifts stresses me out. I worry about all the gifts I have to buy for holidays and birthdays and about possibly leaving anyone out. I worry that I won’t get the right gift and my memory reminds me of the times people didn’t like what I got them. I worry about the cost of it all and everything I have to spend on everyone and everything.
After coaching, we could perhaps see that the person is hoping to give the perfect give, which would only depend upon the recipient getting the gift and what they thought at that moment.
For instance, if Jane got Jill a car and Jill loved the car and thought it was perfect, that is just a thought that could be changed five minutes later when Jill opens her gift from Jack which happens to be a boat, and now Jill thinks that is the perfect gift.
The point is that the perfect gift depends entirely on the person deciding if they think the gift is perfect, and that thought could change at any time, so it’s not something that could be planned for.
Then, there is also the possible pressure of giving the gift from the motivation of seeking approval, appreciation, and love.
We could explore if giving gifts was coming from feelings of abundance or from feelings of scarcity and which feeling the client wants to be giving from.
People sometimes pressure themselves into being great gift-givers because we want to be seen as good at gift-giving and seen as loving, and basically, we want others to think good thoughts about us.
Ultimately though, we can’t control if others like our gifts, if they like us, and if we are deemed acceptable for our gift-giving.
We can, however, choose to think we are amazing gift-givers anytime we want, and we can also decide that being a good gift-giver means that it’s our intent behind giving the gift that counts and not the outcome of how it is received.
We could at any moment decide to think of ourselves as amazing gift-givers who rival Santa and that no matter how someone likes or doesn’t like our gift, we love gift-giving.
#6 Perfectionism Coaching: People Pleasing
People-pleasing can be super fun to coach on because it can be illuminating and life-changing in the best of ways.
People can get a lot of aha moments with people-pleasing coaching and quickly get relief in their life.
Here’s an example of people-pleasing coming up in perfectionism coaching:
I am a people pleaser completely. I go beyond saying yes. I spend so much time guessing what people want, especially with family. I struggle so much with wanting to make everyone else happy in every way imaginable.
I just want to be my authentic self even if it makes others uncomfortable. How do I get over this?
Coaching with this could go in many directions, but one area of focus is how this client believes she can make people happy and that she can also make them uncomfortable.
This isn’t true.
Other people are happy or uncomfortable based on what is going on with them, not with anything this woman does or doesn’t do, although it can be hard to see that.
Others can choose to think any way they want about us, and we can’t control that. This can give so much freedom and peace of mind.
As the coaching goes on, we would likely explore what her life would look like without people-pleasing and if she would want that life and how to make that possible.
Creating a life not based on people-pleasing but on being authentic can be some of the most incredible personal work anyone ever does. It frees up so much time and mental space!
#7 Perfectionism Coaching: Parenting
Parenting issues come up a lot with perfectionism coaching. Everything from how people got parented to parenting their teenagers to how they want their spouses to parent can come up.
Here’s an example:
I worry that the choices I’m making right now are going to negatively effect my kids. And that it’s going to be my fault if they choose to become messed up adults.
I’m a perfectionist and want to be able to control everything with my kids but I realize that’s not possible. How do I not feel guilty when I’m not fully perfect as a parent and I feel so responsible for my children? I want to be a great mom and not mess them up.
A lot of parents can relate to this mom’s coaching topic. Coaching on this topic can go a lot of ways, but for now, I will bring up the idea of a parent wanting the result this parent is asking for.
What I mean is, as an adult, often, we can look at our lives and see that “mistakes” or “mess-ups” were lessons, and we didn’t get permanently messed up by them. Or, at the very least, we can usually agree that having a “mess up” is very much part of being a human.
Often with this type of coaching, the parent is fearful of the future, and after some coaching on fear and some coaching on fearing the future, the parent might end up smiling and not dreading what their future as a parent means or their kid’s future holds.
An impactful line of questioning here could be something like:
- Would you like to send your kid out into the world at 18, having never experienced something less than perfect?
- What would “perfect” prepare your child for in terms of experience and expectations and the rest of the world outside your family?
- If your child got married someday, would you like them going into that marriage expecting their partner to show up perfectly because their parents showed up perfectly?
- In what ways are you preparing your child to be successful in the future when you show up in a “messy” form with your parenting?
- How are you the perfect parent for your child when you let them see you make mistakes?
- What if feeling guilty wasn’t a problem?
- Do you want to control everything for your kids? Honestly, do you truly want that? For the rest of their lives and yours?
- What is your real fear here?
- Is it possible for your kids to turn out great no matter what you do or don’t do?
#8 Perfectionism Coaching: Decisions
Decision-making is a common theme with perfectionism coaching because often, we want to make the “right” decision.
But… is there ever a “right” decision, or is there a decision you decide is right? That’s something to think about.
This is an example of a client coming to perfectionism coaching for decisions:
I know I’m good at my job, but I also know I could do better. Maybe there is a better gig out there for me? I’ve considered the idea of working more, but I don’t really want to because I like my time with my family.
I’ve gone back and forth about quitting, but I like the work and I like making money. I also like trying new things. I’m always going back and forth about this and it’s a constant struggle.
Is this a confidence issue or a perfectionist issue or can I just never make a decision? What is happening here and what should I do with my job?
One of the things we could discuss in coaching would be this woman’s thoughts around decisions.
What if this woman believed every decision she made was right for her at that time, and if she made a different decision later, that one became right also?
What if her standard for making decisions wasn’t even in the realm of right or wrong but in discovery and testing things out and making decisions was fun and exciting, and she was just in the game of making as many decisions as possible and supporting herself along the way?
A fun activity with decision making is to ditch the pros and cons list and make one list: a list of all the ways you are an excellent decision-maker listing all the extraordinary decisions you made in your life.
Empowering yourself to see yourself as a great decision-maker is life-changing.
#9 Perfectionism Coaching: Time Management
Time management is an umbrella term in perfectionism coaching because time issues come up a lot.
Sometimes it’s about procrastination, sometimes it’s about spending too much time completing a task, and at times it’s about never taking any time off or never following through with goals.
Time shows up in several forms with perfectionism coaching, so here is just one example:
I have the skills to be a writer, but I struggle with perfectionism and self-sabotage. My issue isn’t necessarily with coming up with book ideas, but with completing the books.
I’ve been sitting on one idea I love for about a decade now! This has been a huge problem for me.
I’d be grateful for some coaching on this topic because I know I’m holding onto some unhelpful belief but I can’t break thourgh. I know some belief is not serving me, and I’m looking to find clarity so I can stop this pattern and get my work into the world and actually pubish my work.
We might go into this coaching session by uncovering what benefits, if any, she was getting from not working on her books.
What secondary gain was she getting that she wasn’t fully aware of?
Does she get to avoid possible rejection from a publisher if she never finishes her book?
Does she get to not ever feel like a failure if she never gets a one-star review on Amazon?
After realizing she is getting some reward for not working on her books, she can begin having compassion for herself and notice that she is protecting herself from something.
Then, from a place of being kind to herself and not from being mean, she could begin the work of actually working on her books and allowing herself to feel any uncomfortable emotions along the way to achieving what she ultimately wants.
Related: Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism
#10 Perfectionism Coaching: Self-Criticism
Self-criticism can be brutal, so any relief from it is an excellent coaching result.
Here’s an example of someone bringing self-criticism issues to a perfectionism coaching session:
I am my worst critic. I quickly acknowledge my faults just so others don’t have to point them out and I already know where I fall short. I beat myself up and fake being happy and I worry about my kids only remembering the bad perfectionist mom version of me.
I want to learn how to love me and not let what others think of me bother me or be part of my decision-making.
With this client, we might start by working on her judgments for herself and others and what that judgment is doing or not doing for her.
One of the things we would maybe get into is how loving others and ourselves is a daily (sometimes hourly!) practice.
We can start with believable thoughts and then challenge our inner critic that shows up often because we have practiced listening to it constantly.
We would likely spend time on what stories she is telling herself that are helping her out and which ones are holding her back and talk about how the only thing we can control with our parenting is how we show up and then support ourselves in that regardless of how the children interpret us and respond to us.
A lot of the work is compassion work and easing expectations or maybe even getting rid of some expectations altogether if she decides to.
I hope you got some insights into perfectionism coaching and better understand what happens when people get coached.
Reading about coaching vs. actually getting coached is like reading about driving vs. driving a car, though. They both are different experiences, and just like you don’t fully know what it’s like to drive until you drive, you only understand what it’s like to get coached when you participate in coaching.
If you’d like to try perfectionism coaching, you can get started here!
Try it, and let me know how it goes!
Are you excited about the idea of getting coached? Want to get coaching on perfectionism and learn how to use it to your advantage? Start with this practical guide that I created for you to get some quick wins with perfectionism, and let me know when you want to start coaching!