Self-compassion vs. self-criticism is a key leverage point for perfectionism. Many think that by trading out self-criticism for self-compassion, things won’t get done, or they won’t get done well, but what if this isn’t true? What if more gets done and gets done with more ease and efficiency with self-compassion as the driver instead of self-criticism?
To test this out, just think about two neighbors who asked you for a favor: one who is super kind and one who is super mean; which neighbor would you help out more?
Self-compassion isn’t just slapping some niceties on top of mistakes and calling it good.
Self-compassion is being supportive when it would be much easier to be unsupportive and giving yourself what you need emotionally instead of looking for others to soothe you.
Let’s take a closer look at how self-compassion vs. self-criticism shows up.
Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism
To make things easy from the start, self-compassion is like being your own best friend, and self-criticism is like being your own worst bully.
Self-compassion is supportive, and self-criticism is destructive.
Self-compassion leaves you feeling upbeat, and self-criticism leaves you feeling beat up.
Recognizing that self-compassion is being nice to yourself and self-criticism is being mean to yourself will be enough to choose self-compassion for some.
For many self-identified perfectionists, that choice doesn’t usually last for more than five minutes, though, because self-criticism can make sense until we start questioning it.
Many perfectionists associate self-criticism with rewards because they think their inner critic drives them to outer success.
What if that isn’t true, though, and at the very least, what if the supposed critic-driven success is very short-lived and very hard to repeat in any long-term consistency?
Anyone who has “successfully” reached a goal by criticizing themselves the whole way knows it’s exhausting at least and not fun at best.
Let’s consider self-compassion as an alternative to self-criticism.
#1 Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Curious vs. Closed
Self-compassion is a state of curiosity, and self-criticism is a state of “I know it all” and that all happens to be bad.
For example, one coaching client comes to me and says, “I’m upset because my husband said he thinks I’m not loving enough.”
A self-compassionate response would be the client then following up with something like “I wonder why he thinks that,” and self-criticism would be something like “I’m the worse wife ever.”
Self-compassion invites wonder without evaluation, and self-criticism starts with a negative assessment and assumes the worse about the person doing the assessment.
A question you can ask yourself to bring in the curiosity of self-compassion is, “I wonder what else is going on in this situation I don’t yet understand?”
#2 Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Abundance vs. Scarcity
Self-compassion looks for how much there is and the endless amount of resources available to us all.
Self-criticism sees lack everywhere, with the most significant lack being with the person using self-criticism.
I’ve seen this show up with coaching clients like this: A woman with self-critical thoughts will say something like, “I’m a mess, and everything is a mess.” But with self-compassion, she can turn to thoughts like, “I can figure this out.”
Self-compassion asks questions like, “What amazingness am I not noticing?”
#3 Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Calm vs. Dramatic
Self-compassion is soothing energy that can be visualized with a woman placing her hand over her heart and checking in with what’s going on with herself.
Self-criticism often feels like a chaotic storm inside, with every critical thought creating a new dramatic thunderbolt.
Once a woman came for coaching upset about not finding a job even though she had been looking for a year.
A self-critical response was her saying, “I’m unemployable and a loser nobody wants to hire.” A self-compassionate reaction was what she said at the end of coaching, which was, “I’m going to keep on applying, and I’m also going to use this time as an opportunity to play with my kids more until I get hired.”
If you notice your brain rushing to self-critical thinking, you can talk to yourself by telling yourself, “Okay, brain, I know you’re freaking out right now, but there aren’t any bears about to eat me, and I can figure this out so let’s just calm down.”
Separating our thoughts from ourselves and talking to our brains as though we are not our brains, but we happen to have brains full of thoughts, can be a great way to move from self-criticism to self-compassion.
#4 Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Know vs. No
Self-compassion wants to know, and self-criticism wants to say “no.”
Self-compassion is when we see that we made a mistake and want to know what we can do differently next time.
Self-criticism wants to swoop in and say, “no, you can’t do that,” or “no, they won’t like that,” or “no, you’re wrong” or “no, that won’t work,” or “no, you can’t fix it.”
A question you can ask yourself to bring in the knowingness of self-compassion is, “What can I learn from this?”
#5 Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Gentle vs. Hard
Self-compassion is gentle energy like going over to a child who just fell, and you lean down with them and gently ask them if you can help.
Self-criticism is like a mean classmate who comes over to a child who just fell and pushes the child down again just as they start to get up.
A question you can ask yourself to bring in the gentleness of self-compassion is, “How can I be gentle with myself in this situation?”
#6 Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Go vs. Stop
Self-compassion has a movement to it. It has a go energy and a tendency to progress and figure things out, get through things, and get better.
Self-criticism has the energy of staying stuck, stalling, or not going anywhere but stop here and stay here and wallow in the yuck.
An example of this was when a coaching client said she had tried lots of time management solutions but still couldn’t manage her time well and didn’t know what to do, so she didn’t do anything.
Her self-criticism wanted her to stop looking for other ways to manage her time, so for the past week, she watched way more Netflix than she liked.
After accessing her self-compassion, she realized she wanted to try making small five-minute changes in the schedule and see if that helped, and she was once again on the move.
Self-compassion keeps you going, and self-criticism weighs you down, so you don’t want to go anywhere.
#7 Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Solution vs. Problem
Self-compassion gets us in solution mode, and self-criticism keeps us attached to the problem.
An example of this is when someone is frustrated with how hard it is to go to the grocery store with three young kids and trying to manage the kids and the groceries and feeling upset they have to go to the grocery store.
A self-critical response would then be something about how bad she is at managing typical daily tasks.
A self-compassionate reply is a woman telling herself how amazing it is that she always keeps her children fed and that she’s excited to think of a new way to get the kids involved with the grocery shopping to make it more enjoyable for everyone involved (and that includes herself).
A question to bring in the solution-focused aspect of self-compassion could be, “What’s a new way of doing this that could be fun?”
#8 Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Warm vs. Cold
Self-compassion can be described as warm energy. After you tell yourself things will be okay, it can feel like you are hugging yourself, literally or mentally.
Self-criticism is nothing like a warm hug. Self-criticism feels mean and harsh, and it makes you want to be distant even from yourself.
Self-criticism brings in more doubt, less trust, and less like for yourself, just as it would if you were with a mean person you didn’t like.
Self-compassion makes space for yourself.
Do you know how sometimes people ask other people to give them space?
If you have a loud self-critical voice, you can tell it to provide you with some space and instead tell yourself you are there for yourself and you’ve got you.
#9 Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Nonjudgemental vs. Judgemental
Self-compassion is not judgemental, whereas self-criticism is often the most critical voice in the room.
A coaching example of this is when a client tells me, “I am a horrible mom; I can’t believe I did that.” She could bring self-compassion in and adjust her thinking to something like, “I am just a mom figuring out how to be a mom today.”
A question you can ask yourself to bring in the nonjudgmental side of self-compassion is, “What would the most loving person I know say about this?”
#10 Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Now vs. Past or Future
Self-compassion brings us to this very moment. It helps us look at our current needs and speaks to the exact thoughts, feelings, and happenings of the present real-life moment.
Self-criticism likes to go to the past and draw up reasons for how things went wrong before and are going wrong again, and it also wants to go to the future to predict that things will always go wrong because look how wrong they are now.
To use the power of the present moment that self-compassion brings, you can ask yourself things like, “What is going on with me this very second?” and “There is something I want right now, what is it?”
#11 Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Empowering vs. Disempowering
Self-compassion shows you what is in your control, and self-criticism loves to tell you how you are out of control.
A coaching example of this is when a client blames other people in her life for her circumstances and blames herself for having relationships with those people.
For instance, she might say something like, “I’m bad at making decisions because every guy I date is horrible.” But a self-compassionate response is more along the lines of, “I’m learning to discover what I want in relationships with other people, and I’m looking for ways to meet my own needs.”
A question you can ask yourself to bring in the empowerment of self-compassion is, “How can I give myself what I need?”
#12 Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Empathy vs. Punishment
Self-compassion gushes with empathy. It’s the voice that says, “Oh darling, tell me what’s going on.”
Self-criticism is the voice that says, “You idiot, you deserve this.”
Self-compassion recognizes the humanity of the person involved and self-criticism makes the person listening to it the worst person in all of humanity.
Self-compassion shows up to say, “I hear you, tell me more,” and self-criticism tries to shut us down and say, “nobody wants to listen to you.”
To invite in the empathic voice of self-compassion, you can ask yourself, “What are my feelings trying to tell me right now, and how can I listen to them?”
Related: An Inside Look at Perfectionism
#13 Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: Vulnerable vs. Not Vulnerable
Self-compassion is being vulnerable with oneself and the fragility yet reality of one’s humanity.
Self-criticism likes to pretend it can never be vulnerable by being the one who attacks.
Self-compassion is a stance of “I’m here to help,” and self-criticism is a stance of “I’m here to hurt.”
Self-compassion takes the vulnerability of saying, “I know it’s hard, tell me more.” Self-criticism stays away from being vulnerable but instead says, “You should know better than this.”
To allow yourself to be vulnerable with self-compassion, you can use reassuring statements to yourself such as, “I’ve got you, and I’m not leaving.”
The next time perfectionistic thinking shows up in the form of self-criticism, you can stop it and bring in self-compassion instead.
And if your brain says things like “well, if we are nice to ourselves all the time, we won’t get anything done,” remind yourself about how much you would like to work for someone who was a mean boss vs. a kind boss or ask yourself how willing you’d be to help out a dear compassionate friend vs. a cruel, critical friend.
We can get as much done, and likely a lot more, by being kind to ourselves instead of critical.
Self-compassion vs. self-criticism is essentially us being for ourselves or us being against ourselves. I’d encourage you to be on your own side as much as possible.
Try it, and let me know how it goes!
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